My World (Feminine Style)

Thoughts about love, liberty, disco

Is Porn or Sexual Addiction a Problem in Your Marriage? October 6, 2009

After you discovered his “secret” how did you feel? Did it help if he told you? What if he has not told you, but you suspect that he is being unfaithful; with another women or with his eyes?

Is there hope for a relationship to be restored, can you fully connect with someone who has hurt you so deeply? I believe that the answer is yes, there is life after porn. In response to Josh‘s sermon this past Saturday, I will be doing a series of posts targeted toward women who have dealt with or are dealing with their husband’s sexual sin. As Josh shared on Saturday, his exposure to pornography started at a sleepover when he was 10 years old. Statistically kids will be exposed to porn by the time they are 9! (shocker!) This was the beginning of a journey into sin that lasted until our first year of marriage. I am thankful to say that Josh’s battle has been won, and we have dealt with the consequences of and feelings because of it. Because of our experience, we desire to see secret sin exposed and dealt with. My prayer is that as we take a closer look at restoring relationships that you will be encouraged, that there is hope of restoration.

In an effort to communicate steps that will lead to healing I will be using the book, Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin, by Fred and Brenda Stoeker as an outline for these posts. Let’s start with some quotes from that book:

“We have every right to expect normal Christian behavior from our husband, and when we don’t get it, it’s normal for us to feel hurt and disappointment. If your husband is not leading a disciplined life, he is robbing you, so you naturally feel crushed.”

“What other feelings will surge over you in the wake of his porn and the masturbation that follows? Anger, for one. Why not? It’s normal to be angry when you’ve been robbed, and so it’s normal to be angry at your husband’s sexual sin. You needn’t apologize for that. Don’t be surprised if you’re feeling like an outright fool too. What could be more normal? When you find out that your husband has been secretly looking at another’s bare body and masturbating, you’ll feel utterly blindsided.”

Out of guilt you may have shouldered the whole load of responsibility for his lack of desire- maybe dieting hard to lose weight and pouring out sweat in heavy workouts to draw out the desires of your one and only. Perhaps you’ve stopped by Victoria’s Secret in order to drape yourself in something visually tantalizing to spark his attentions, even though wearing it made you feel uncomfortable. And often, when you bravely initated a passionate encounter, your vulnerability was flung back in your face.

And now? You’ve found out it was never your fault at all. While you were sacrificing juicy burgers for limp salads and running treadmills like a gerbil on a wheel, he was masturbating away his sex drive on others. On your darker days you now even suspect that he conveniently led you to believe that you were to blame, intentionally and artfully using your guilt, fear, and discipline regimens to cover the tracks of his undisciplined life. How stupid you feel! How conned!”

So where do you go from here?

Don’t try to push down your emotions as overreactions. How do you move forward and what does that look like? The first step might be taking an honest look at the deficiencies that have crept into your marriage because of this secret sin. “Know that your husband’s sin is also your problem, and like it or not, you’re his helper.” Brenda suggests thinking through the following questions:

-What have you genuinely lost through the revelation of your husband’s sexual sin? Think hard about what your marriage was like before you discovered his sin. I suggest that you haven’t lost as much as you think, because the foundation you thought you had was never there in the first place.

-Did you and your husband ever experience spiritual intimacy?

-Did you ever have genuine, ongoing intimacy in prayer?

-What about oneness together? Think back. Can you honestly state that your marriage was all you had ever dreamed it would be?

“Face it. Because of his sexual sin, your marriage was compromised. Sure, you’re hurt and very angry. You’ve lost that warm, cozy image of your marriage, and that naturally wounds you deeply. But in another sense, you haven’t lost as much as you think, because your marriage wasn’t what is appeared to be. My point? There is a bright silver lining to this dark, billowing cloud. Think about it: you have been living in a false world, and had it not been for this revelation of your husband’s sin, you might have blindly and tragically gone through your whole life without ever experiencing the richness God intends for your marriage. Though the revelation hurt, the Lord has proven His undying love for you by exposing your husband’s sexual sink and He stands ready to help you get through this.”

“The discovery of your husband’s secret sub has revealed the true state of your marital union, and now you have the opportunity to experience something real with him.”

Choosing hope will be the beginning of freedom for you. Brenda continues by saying that “a thankful heart is your best first step, a step the begins to give you your sanity back as you wait for God’s work to be done in your husband’s life.”

So start with HOPE. Hope of a better marriage, hope that God is not done with you yet. Cling to God and rely on Him to help you through this time.

Advertisements
 

3 Responses to “Is Porn or Sexual Addiction a Problem in Your Marriage?”

  1. Amy P. Says:

    Katie
    I wanted you to know that I’m reading these posts and that I find them useful for my thinking about the battles men face and how it impacts my own marriage. I’m sure others are reading too! Thanks for posting this series. I look forward to looking into the books you are using.

    Amy

  2. […] Is porn or sexual addiction a problem in your marriage? […]

  3. […] Is porn or sexual addiction a problem in your marriage? […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s