“Men get their intimacy tanks filled primarily from what they do prior to and during intercourse. It is their native language of intimacy. Have you ever wondered why guys push so hard against the sexual boundaries when dating? It’s not because they are godless pigs; it’s because they’re longing to express their hearts in their own innate language of love.”
Men generally desire sexual intercourse every few days or so, especially in the early years of marriage. (For single guys without regular sexual release, this consistent, short cycle of desire “goes to sleep” or “dries up,” in the words of two of my single friends.)”
“On the surface, it’s hard for wives to see our desires as having even a whiff of relationship to them. Since, to them, sex is inseparably swirled with relationship, and since mutual desire is the only kind of sex that seems right to a woman, therein stands the moral high ground upon which wives plant their flags. On this hill righteous pride makes its stand,and much to often, women sharpen the blades of belittling attitudes.”
How are you doing at caring for this sexuality that is at the center of his being? He has entrusted the most emotionally vulnerable part of his being into your arms. Are you treating it tenderly? Is your view of sexuality only that as from a female prospective?
Brenda “wondered if those half-hearted short (sexual) experiences with me were fulfilling for him. While women draw intimacy from their mates primarily through sharing, hugging, and talking, men draw theirs from the sex acts themselves.”
She goes on to explain that if we, as women, only give half hearted encounters to our husbands, is this really fulfilling to him? The act of sex can help to release some of his sexual tension, but if it is done in a rushed manner does it come close to fulfilling his need for an intimate connection? I would venture to say the answer is no. Give your time together your full attention. “Life isn’t a big game of chess. It’s all about your needs and responding in love to the other. That is what marriage is made of.” Don’t just look at sex as a way to service your husband, but invest yourself into it.
“Does that mean your husband should have sex anytime he wants? Of course not. The Bible says you should not withhold sex for long periods of time, but men love to interpret that scripture incorrectly by saying they have a right to intercourse as often as they want. We’ve heard stories about some husbands who coerced their wives into sexual intercourse one, two, and sometimes three times a day!… If your husband is demanding sex more than once a day, he likely has a lust problem that needs to be dealt with.
After all, who is more wrong: the women who deprives her husband or the husband who disrespects his wife? The husband of course. He is the leader of the home. He must lead by example and show others how to walk like Christ.
The bottom line is this: if a husband isn’t willing to submit to oneness (intimacy and tenderness) outside the bedroom, how can he expect his wife to submit sexually inside the bedroom?
When we wives disobey God and do not make ourselves sexually available to our husbands, we block off their main, natural route for expressing intimacy.
It may be necessary to suspend sexual activity for a mutually agreed upon time to allow the healing process to begin in wake of his sexual sin, but be careful. Men need to feel respected and being fulfilled sexually speaks to who they are as a man. “successful, adequate sex certainly isn’t the only route to affirmation, but it surely is the quickest and most direct one for a man.” Remember that “full intimacy will never occur until sexual oneness is established.” Brenda ends the 8th Chapter with this challenge:
As His daughters, our Father is asking us to rise above our feelings and to obey His Word in the marriage bed, because therein lies our destiny… a God-honoring marriage based on His principles.
All quotes are taken from the book, Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin, by Fred & Brenda Stoeker.