This past Saturday, Josh and I taught together in Part 4 our series I Want a New Marriage. We used the book His Needs, Her Needs as the framework for our talk. This week as a way of following that up, I’ll be doing posts through that book, some of the things we said, how to figure out if this is a need your spouse has, how you are doing at meeting that need and how this applies to your relationship.
You can listen to it here.
I’ll be looking specifically at his needs and how a wife fulfills those needs. To see her needs and how a husband fulfills those, check out Josh’s blog.
Need #1 Sexual Fulfillment:
- *Disclaimer: These statements come from a view of marriage that normal. Not plagued with addictions and abuse.
- “Affection is the environment of the marriage while sex is an event. Affection is a way of life, a canopy that covers and protects a marriage. It’s a direct and convincing expression of love that gives the event of sex a more appropriate context. Most women need affection before sex means much to them.”
- Now this does not mean that if you are not getting the affection that you want; you don’t have sex. Quite the contrary; Men feel intimacy in the acts leading up to, during and after the act of intercourse, but just because you have sex with them and make yourself available to them it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will spend more time with you or pour more affection on you. But it is worth a try!
- All of these principles about emotional needs cannot be played out in isolation. If you want your husband to meet your needs, it would be a good place to start to look to see if you are meeting his needs, but you also need to be communicating and actively working on your relationship.
- Too many times we look at sex as just a physical and somewhat mental act, but for guys it is the primary way that their emotional needs are met. In just the same way that you feel intimacy through relating he feels intimacy in the acts leading up to, during and after the act of intercourse.
- So how does that impact how you approach the marriage bed?
- Frequency: A man has the physical need for release every 72 hours.
- Availability: You may feel very righteous if you make yourself available to him whenever he wants, but if you are not fully engaged in the experience then it is like him having a conversation with you while watching the tv on mute. Make sure that you are not only physically available, but emotionally involved in each encounter.
- Variety: Place and Position. That is all I am going to say about it.
- Quickies: These are totally appropriate and needed, but don’t make this the norm for your sex life.
- Climax: This is a touchy subject…
- “His experience is so visceral and almost automatic that he usually does not understand that most women must learn how to respond sexually, and he is not prepared to teach his bride how to enjoy her own sexuality.” But being prepare for sex and being prepared to make love are two different things.
- “A man cannot achieve sexual fulfillment in his marriage unless his wife is sexually fulfilled as well. Therefore a woman does her husband no favors by sacrificing her body to his sexual advances. He can feel sexually satisfied only when she joins him in the experience of lovemaking.”
- So you need to know what turns you on and be able to express that to your husband. Husbands have patience as your wife learns to enjoy the sex relationship as much as you do.
- There are additional resources available to women who have a hard time with this. Start by reading the Sexually Confident Wife and go from there.
- Men are not dogs or animals, as society tends to paint them, but they “paw and grab” because they desire to connect with you intimately, not just use you physically.
- When men decide to get married they are also deciding to limit their sexual experience to you, his wife. How are you doing at meeting this vital need? If your husband is not meeting your emotional needs you can put your energies into kids, hobbies, and other relationships, in doing this it may not be healthy, but it is not necessarily a sin. While if your husband tries to get his emotional need for physical intimacy fulfilled outside of the marriage relationship it IS sin.
- You cannot enjoy your end of the marriage if your spouse does not enjoy his end. Don’t withhold sex as a way to punish or make a point. You will be withholding more than a physical aspect of your relationship, but a vital emotional need.
All quotes are taken from His Needs Her Needs; Willard F. Harley Jr.