My World (Feminine Style)

Thoughts about love, liberty, disco

Relationship Rule #3: What are you talking about? September 23, 2010

Filed under: Relationships — katiereich @ 7:30 am
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#3 Learn what you are really talking about. Communication is key.

*Warning: Personal Story* I don’t know why I gave you a warning; other then I thought it would be funny! Josh and I are imperfect people, and this was no more apparent then when we were engaged and during our first year of marriage. I will speak from my perspective, because that is the only perspective I have. When Josh and I got engaged, God was really doing a number on my heart and life, He was replacing my views with His, and a heart transplant is never easy. I came into our marriage with a lot of hurts, hang-ups and silly expectations. Josh was probably expecting me to be more like him, read that emotionally stable! The first year of our marriage was filled with tears… what we realized was that when I was reacting out of proportion to the situation at hand, I was really reacting to a lie I believed about myself, or a past hurt that had not healed.

Pause here to think through the last time you withdrew or blew up and the situation did not warrant the response. Why? What were you responding to? What hurt is plaguing how you feel about yourself, or the people around you? Now ask God to work in your life to heal that hurt, and know that you are not alone, God is walking, no, carrying you through it.

We started to realize that the faster we could decode our anger or hurt the faster we could move on and really know each other.

Typical couple argument: (This is totally made up)

Female: (exasperated tone) Why are your socks on the floor next to the hamper, instead of in the hamper?

Male: (somewhat distracted by the tv) Isn’t that close enough for you. (note the sarcasm)

Female: Well, it is obvious by the way you do what I ask you to, that you only see me as a maid…

Male: (now fully engaged) A maid, huh? Well, I wouldn’t pay you to keep up with the house like you do. Would you just get off my back?

Female: (starting to get indignant) If I stopped doing what I do then the house would look like a frat house.

Male: Now those were the days, no ball and chain…

Decoding the Female: She probably is frustrated by the little things that her spouse does or doesn’t do, but what is going on below the surface? Control maybe her thing… She maybe reacting to a situation in her past that she had no control over, also, she is probably questioning her worth, calling herself a maid.

Decoding the Male: First, he probably doesn’t want to be bothered while watching tv, but he is probably hurt because she is not approaching him in a respectful way, as well as nagging him, which will of course remind him of being scolded by his mother. He already has one, and does not want another.

One of the hardest things for me to overcome was the tape (cd/mp3) that played over and over in my head that said, “You are not worth anyone’s love, outside of what you can earn. You are not enough to love on your own merit, and you are too much to deal with because of your baggage. You are not lovable and will never be able to give or receive love.” Most of my adolescence and into adulthood, I was looking for myself, but believed that to find myself it needed to come out of someone else’s love and expectations for me. You can see how this would taint any interaction that I had with Josh, at the drop of a hat I believed that if he was frustrated with me, it was because I was too much and he did not love me. Thankfully, by the grace of God, that tape has slowly changed, I still fall back into some of those beliefs every now and then, but that is not my normal. My new tape reads more like this: I am a beloved daughter of God, and because of His infinite love was adopted into His family. My worth lies not in what I am or what I do, but who He is in me. I am whole and complete in Him. I am whole in Him…

My soapbox and prayer is that you can find yourself fully in Him. That the lies you believe can be replaced by His truth. Like I said yesterday, you will be paralyzed until you find healing.

Side note: In order to communicate well, you need to figure out how you both argue and then work with it. Josh normally likes room and space to think before we have a discussion, where I just want to talk it out. So sometimes we talk it out right there, and sometimes we wait. I have also learned that there are better times to bring up issues then others. It is extremely hard for me, but I try to wait until an appropriate time to bring up something that is bothering me.

 

Relationship Rule #2: Deal with your Junk. September 22, 2010

Filed under: Relationships — katiereich @ 10:08 am
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#2 Deal with your Junk.

Josh and I realized very quickly that if we did not deal with the past hurts and hang-ups in our individual lives, we would never be able to move forward in our relationship. We would always be playing with a short deck.

You have to know yourself, but for that to happen you have to be okay with who you are and what you bring to the table. You cannot continue to live out of the expectations of others, or a desire to please anyone, outside of Jesus. Healing in Christ allows you to see yourself as whole in Him, and when we are able to do this then you are freed to give yourself unselfishly to your mate and those around you.

If you are harboring past hurts then you will always react out of those wounds (more on this tomorrow). Josh and I watch people and relationships all of the time, in an effort to learn what to do and not to do in relationships and life. A specific couple comes to mind: they got married very young, to escape their family lives, and then moved around frequently because of the military. After we met them it became apparent that they still treated each other like they were wounded 19 year olds, although they had high school age kids. They were not on the same page, and frequently would back bite each other in front of us. They took out their frustration with each other on those in leadership around them. They were not able to deal with conflict, and either blew up at it (the husband) or would pretend that it was not there (the wife). They kept their lives SO busy with good things that they did not have time to sit and deal with themselves. They used the relationships around them to give them meaning and fill their wounds.

The sad thing is, you will NEVER reach your full potential if you are paralyzed by the lies that you believe about yourself or those around you. Shake off those chains, and find freedom in Christ to become yourself.

 

Why teachers have sex with students, and relationships don’t last… September 17, 2010

Filed under: Family,Relationships — katiereich @ 10:11 am
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My neighbor just told me that a former middle school coach, in our school district, was accused of performing a sexual act on a 15 year old student. Earlier this summer a high school English teacher was arrested for having sexual contact with a student. Is there a way to prevent this?

What about the numerous relationships that end because of unfaithfulness? or porn addiction? or jealousy?

The answer: Boundaries…

Whenever Josh performs a wedding, we meet with the couple and do a series of premarital counseling sessions. This process is usually fun because it allows Josh and I to look back at our relationship, as well as help the couple we are working with get started on the right foot. Of course we always share our “Relationship Rules”. These are a list of unofficial Rules that Josh and I have put into place over the course of our marriage to help safeguard our relationship, and help to make it run more smoothly. So I thought that I would put together an unofficial list of “Relationship Rules”, these are by no means meant for everyone, or should be applied across the board, but hopefully they will help you to think through your relationship or non-relationship and help you to think through what boundaries you should have in your life. Enjoy!

“Relationship Rule ” #1: No (or limited) relationships with people of the opposite sex.

First and foremost severe contact with all past flames and boy/girlfriends. If you are in contact with one, my first question would be why. What do you gain from continuing a friendship with them? It will probably make your spouse jealous, even if they say they aren’t, and they will always appear better then your spouse. You call the old flame and vent about an argument you just had with your husband, that person will tend to side with you, and be a listening ear, which will put a wedge in between you  and your spouse. Not worth it.

There really does not seem to be an upside… So delete all past flames from your facebook, email and skype. Wish them well, but put all of your energy into making your current relationship as amazing as it can be.

This will be a series of posts… so buckle your seatbelt and watch for more. If nothing else you will be amused.