A few weeks ago I started a series of blog posts based off of a sermon that Josh Reich preached at Revolution Church, you can listen to it here. I started to read, Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin, By: Fred & Brenda Stoeker, and because of the message, and the questions that I got from other women in our church, I felt the need to blog through most of the book. If any of these posts have hit a cord with you, I strongly urge you purchase the book and read the whole thing. I am not promising that it will be easy reading, but I am sure that it will jumpstart a journey into healing and restoring your heart and hopefully your marriage.
The previous posts are as follows:
His Sexual Addiction is NOT about you! Part two.
How do you keep your heart and role as helpmate during the road out of your husband’s addiction? That is a great question and one that we will dive into here, on our last blog post from Every Heart Restored.
I would like you to take one more good look into your heart’s mirror and ask yourself this question: How am I doing in my role as helpmate? It is in this roles as helper where most wives make their biggest mistakes in marriage. Let’s return once more to Genesis and review why we were created as women:
The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care if it… The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”… For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:15, 18, 24)
Why was it not good for man to be alone? I can assure you it was not because Adam needed some help hanging vines or running a backhoe in the garden. And it was more than Adam’s needing someone to talk to or have sex with.
God know what sin was about to do to Adam and to all who came after him. He knew the wounds that would be meted out on innocent bystanders through the sin of friends, families, and even churches. He’s even seen ahead to the days when Internet porn would enslave millions of men. He had to have known all this was going to happen, because that’s what being omniscient means. Given that He knew what the future would bring, He knew it wouldn’t be good for Adam (and his future male offspring) to be alone.
As we’ve said, the word helper in Genesis comes from a Hebrew word that means “a help as his counterpart.” So what does a helper do? Fred explains it this way: as a helper, a wife’s role is to help lift up her husband-boost him, assist him, encourage him- to Christian greatness, whatever that may entail. This isn’t an easy role to fill, even when your husband is asking for your help.
It is hard to play our helper role when our husbands are asking for help. But what are you supposed to do int that role when your husbands are not asking? What happens then?
It can be confusing, and most of that confusion revolves around the choice between these two courses of action:
1. When your husband needs your help, but he obviously can’t see it, should you simply be quiet and pray for his insight to improve, submitting in silence for the sake of peace?
2. Or should you bravely speak up directly and forcefully in the face of his blindness to challenge him to Christian greatness? What is your role?`
Maybe it would be useful to step back and take a look at the roles your husband should be playing alongside your own. It can be enlightening to see howe interrelated our roles as husband and wife really are.
Each of us has two major roles in marriage. Fred plays the headship role and is the overall leader in the home. He’s also been called by God to be the high priest of our home, the spiritual leader responsible for building a normal Christian home.
As his wife, I play the parallel submissive role to Fred’s leadership at home, and the parallel helper role to prod, lift, and strengthen him to carry out his roles as head and high priest.
Not how God expects the husband and wife to play essentially the same spiritual role for the other spouse. As a high priest, Fred is to lead me into Christian greatness. As a helpmate, I’m to work alongside the Holy Spirit to lift Fred to Christian greatness. Sadly, we’ve noticed that both of these roles are routinely ignored in Christian homes these days, although for different reasons.
It is so vital that we both play our roles well in marriage because sin is rampant everywhere, and the percentage of folks in our pews with little Christian heritage is growing rapidly. Most of us just don’t know what normal looks like anymore.
Brenda knew what normal was, and she love me enough to fight on until I could see it for myself. As my Christian sister, Brenda had a right and a duty to speak out truthfully(and even sharply) to me when I was still living in the futility of my thinking, darkened in my understanding and separated from full life in God because of my ignorance of normal Christianity.
And when it comes to your husband’s sexual sin, you have every right to stand up and help him win. To be a helpmate means that you will never allow your husband to drift to his lowest level. Instead, you’ll help him be great.